LETS SEE......i can't explain. to be so torn is like being flat out broken our ripped apart by 2 things. thats not even the full definitio of it all. no its not fair at all. Heck no...the way i see nothinqq in this wolrd is ever fair. i hate pretending. lying just sucks.....words can't explain....nothinq can explain....im being thrown in a rushing river of confusion looking for explaination....i wish i was the only one but we all suffer...we all suffer at some point..my mom just got off the phone with one of her good friends. her mother has died and she is broken.she was crying so badly. i hurt to listen to what my mother was telling me...you know sometimes i wonder if it ever gets better. if the pain goes away. i am lucky compared to some people...i might not always feel like it but i sure am. i haven't had anyone close to me die yet. the new and the old people in my life are all still her...if i could ever keep it that way forever i would...but i noe some are going to have to go...it breaks my heart to think about the horrid future and the good future...but is there really a difference?? the only people who could tell and explain that to me are the ones who have already lived their life. i wish i knew the truth. then again sometimes i don't....sometimes i like the anticipation and the waiting...what if i want to be suprised like i will have to be? i could go any way. and im not scared...so many i scared to die..me i am ready and waiting but even as i wait i live the life that i want to....maybe not everything goes as planned but the bad always lead up to the good. things have to look up in some wierd way. it might not be the way you wanted it but you don't always get what u want....that part isn't hard to believe at all.