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12/22/2008

I'm the girl i fear the most part 2

Ok now the story takes an unexpected turn. Please remember that I'm am now going to be talking about the early parts of this year. This isn't a present story. There's lots more to this.


So....I couldn't explain it. There was no explaination to the way I felt. i knew I still liked him but there was something inside me telling me I should let him go. Let all that time go. The conversations, the laughs, the txts, all that wasn't feeling quite right anymore. Just not right. When I tried to explain it to him I couldn't because I kept on crying. I didn't want to hurt him. That was the last thing I wanted to do. So I knew I couldn't leave it there but, I did. I did it because I was panicked and afraid I was going to hurt him. Now I feel like I just hurt him more. I wondered how he felt inside. I knew It had to suck on both ends. Sometimes you just know in your head.


The rest of the school year has an odd flow. After a few months I think I am over Devin and that I can be free at last. Tyler then became the next hit. For a few days then I just ended it because...because..i don't exactly remember the reason... After that I didn't really find anyone else that suited me well. That was until school ended and summer began!!!!!!!



Central Park Camp.....So many experiences I have had there. I don't know what I am going to do this SUMMER....Larry was a hit that hit so hard I didn't even see it coming. Larry is a boy who I have known because of camp. We went to the same camp. He had been there longer than me. I had recently realized in sixth grade that he was in the school that shared the same building as mine. When we arrived at came flirts hit us like bombs. We were...slowly starting to give into each other. We talked up a storm. I can be talkative when I want to be. With him there was an even level of talking and listening. That was one thing I liked. We were kind of the same in some ways. We were always competing against each other. I am extremely competitive. That's because I have a brother around the same age as me. We would do little fun competitive things, and normally I would win, unless it had to do with baseball. Boy, did he love baseball. In camp we went to a game once and boy was he anxious. Oh and please....Don't even get me started with his amazing body. He had the body of a...god. Especially for someone his age. He had a six pack. A six pack. I remember wearing my bikin to camp just so he could see me when we went swiming. But it was all for him. The problem was, people (counselors especially) were finding out about are...I don't know what to call it. We weren't dating really. We both knew we liked each other without having to say it outloud. They bugged us about it yet we denied it. One of my fave counselors Jacqoun asked me how I felt about Larry. I responeded kinda sketchy so he could understand how I felt. It was obvious I liked Larry. Cupid had hit me in the butt, head, and my right foot.




Problems then began to arise in my head. As the camp's end came closer and closer I found myself in need of his presence. Like it was such and odd yet warm need. Something I just couldn't help at all. One day...Please keep in mind that this is embarassing and that it was really hard for me to say this but, I stayed outside with him and this other boy with no one watching so I could have that beautiful sight all to myself. (grrrreeeeddddyyyy me) He was (trying to) play tennis. Just watching him gave me that special warm feeling. And he'd give me that million dollar smile. His pearly whites shone at me when he smiled. Soemtimes I wanted to faint. He was like artwork at a museum you couldn't resist touching. Then I got caught admiring him. By now all the counselors had figured out that I liked Larry. I could hear them behind us in the back of the court giggling at me watching him. That had to be the most embarassing thing, but,but ,but, I ignored it and tried to keep my focus. (which wasn't so hard)



So summer ends, and we don't exchange numbers, we don't know where we stand, he is going to a new school which isn't close to mine, and now we are lost from each other. I wish.....I wish....That I had the chance to change the fact that we had no communication what-so-ever. But now it's wayyyyy to late. We are now in December.



So right before school I attended mass. Guess who is there hunky dory and looking amazing!!!!......Devin. He got his ear pierced(which that I am not so found of) and he fixed him self up. It seemed he finally decided to stop letting his mother dress him. We haven't spoken since we broke up. The smallest smallest words here and there but nothing else. A few of my friends like him but, I just can't tell them the way I really feel about this. Now I know I have to be the dweller. I have to because I am holding on to two things I have already lost. I lost the batlle and the war in one blow. Sad isn't it. Now I have to evalute my own head!!!

1 comments:

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