{EXPLAIN}

LETS SEE......i can't explain. to be so torn is like being flat out broken our ripped apart by 2 things. thats not even the full definitio of it all. no its not fair at all. Heck no...the way i see nothinqq in this wolrd is ever fair. i hate pretending. lying just sucks.....words can't explain....nothinq can explain....im being thrown in a rushing river of confusion looking for explaination....i wish i was the only one but we all suffer...we all suffer at some point..my mom just got off the phone with one of her good friends. her mother has died and she is broken.she was crying so badly. i hurt to listen to what my mother was telling me...you know sometimes i wonder if it ever gets better. if the pain goes away. i am lucky compared to some people...i might not always feel like it but i sure am. i haven't had anyone close to me die yet. the new and the old people in my life are all still her...if i could ever keep it that way forever i would...but i noe some are going to have to go...it breaks my heart to think about the horrid future and the good future...but is there really a difference?? the only people who could tell and explain that to me are the ones who have already lived their life. i wish i knew the truth. then again sometimes i don't....sometimes i like the anticipation and the waiting...what if i want to be suprised like i will have to be? i could go any way. and im not scared...so many i scared to die..me i am ready and waiting but even as i wait i live the life that i want to....maybe not everything goes as planned but the bad always lead up to the good. things have to look up in some wierd way. it might not be the way you wanted it but you don't always get what u want....that part isn't hard to believe at all.

{CONFUSED}...not really

I'm sorry. This girl can't help it. This girl really can't help it. I'm ending this..watchamacallit with Malik hopefully tonight. I have a new goal. And that goal is to try not to piss off my sister. No thats not really my goal. I'm have plenty of time to search for that. But today i decided to umm....talk about someone else's problems. For once this post will have nothinqq to do with me. HERE GOES NOTHING

My friend (can't mention names) likes a boy. She is a girl so don't worry that's not the wierd part. The boy is handsome to her. They have dated before but broke up for reasons unknow to man. My friend still has feelings for this character. For some reason she still has a strong attraction to him because there break-up wasn't all that serious. They just decided out of the blue. But she also has her heart set on another boy she dated but broke up with him for the boy i just mentioned. She has never met the first boy to this day. They had a "Phone Relationship" for quite some time. She promised him once they broke-up that when she met him if she believed he was cute she would get back with him. But for now she remains single....Or atleast from what I know. But i think she would tell the truth to me because we are the closest out of any of our other friends. I trust her enough for her to tell me the real truth.

Whoosh...Your life is gone

In a second. In a heartbeat. It takes no longer for DEATH to consume you. It can even take a shorter time. I don't want to dwell on death but i believe it is worth discussing. Not all people live to their hundreds and 90s. But we all no this. What i really want to say is LIFE is too short to let it walk right by you. You have to grasp every moment in LIFE or else....You see what i am saying. Live, Love, Laugh. My three Ls that i will stand by for the rest of my life. These three things are essential to me. Through whatever i go through. Even when someone or something can't be there for me. My three Ls will be there figuratively speaking.

No school for me today. I remain bored. Well that's if I do the work. I didn't go to school becuase i tricked my mom into letting my stay. I pretended to be sick so i could clean my room and finish my break work so i wouldn't fail. Yesss..Now i will get all my work done no problem!!!! :-D. It's funny how at the age of thirteen i still have that little kid magic. Well I'm off to do my work.

Facebook: Denise Lee
Myspace: www.myspace.com/themademwithswag



BRouGHt tO You By bORdeM LanD◘♠☻♣☺☻♥

BAD GIRL!!!

hurt.pain.ya i cause it so what?! Ok angry...no im not angry. I;m incredibly bored though. so i decided to put up a bad picture of myself....Sorry to those who expected better. Ever felt like you just want to let loose and roam free. Away from conflict and just staright happiness. to be honest i don't. Even though it is a nice idea....it's not for me. See here is the BIG PICTURE!!

BIG PICTURE: Without conlfict or mistakes or anything bad....we wouldn't learn how to deal. Maybe if the world was all good we wouldn't need to deal. Everything would just flow nicely. This isn't it. Not at all. This is the exact opposite from peaceful...ok now im starting to get angry. Here's why...We spend all our time complaining about handbags and expensive things and things that really don't matter. WHY?! There are people being killed for their race. There are people starving out there and we just sit back and let the world crumble before our eyes. I know how you feel. You probably thinking...SHE DOES THE SAME THINg...I'm reall ashamed of it though. I regret being greedy and selfish because we have to understand some of us are really lucky. Some of us aren't.....Just chew on that for a second as i move to my next topic that leaves so many questions as all my others do.

MESSAGE TO MOUTH:Sometimes don't u get sick and tired of TALK. TALK....talk...sometimes i wonder why our creator gave us mouths. WHY? We talk so much. We say hurtful things as much or even more than we say the good. we say things that don't make sense. we say the wrong thing to the wrong people. Sometimes i feel having a mouth is like carrying a good and bad curse.

BORED: I'm really supposed to be doing school work.Supposedly. I just can't stop blogging. It's like a craving. Kinda like myspace can be some what addictive :D.

BROUGHT to YOU by BOREDEM land

My Egyptian Lover

Again the title has nothing to do with te post. It is a song i am sooo in love with. It is by DJ Spacecowboy ft. Nadia. Listen to it!! As i always do when i pay my visits to bordem land i have to do something out of the ordinary.

See here is the thing:

The thing. The most undescriable word. Honestly i hate/love the word thing. Its bland yet says so much. It leaves open space for any idea. No matter how big or how small. But it's just a word right??? How am i supposed to know?!Thing could mean anything. Thing could be anything. You see how confusing it is. If you really think about it THING is anyTHING.

OK....i changed my mind. I dedicate "MY EGYPTIAN LOVER" to larry (as said in my old post). Yea so what he's not Egyptian....but if you listen to the song you'll see what i mean. Now for the dream sequence or part of the post about my old dream.

Dream 1: There is a crowd with thousands of people. I am focused on the only thing that is running past me. It's larry oddly enough. He is staring dead at me. I'm staring back. And for a while we just stare at each other. Then through all the pushing people he extends his hand to me. I stare at for a second then give him my hand. Then we push through the crowd the opposite way that they are running. Then i wake up.

Dream 2: I'm sitting down on a carpet. A leg moves over my head. I look up to see Larry laughing at me. He says hello and i gasp to see it's him. He laughs a little more and then pulls out a newspaper. I'm on the cover! It is a picture of me pulling my head out of a barrel of water. My hair ad my face are all wet. My hair lifts the water so delicately and with such grace it looks like an excellent piece of photography (just the way i like it). He laughs a little more and then i awake.

Those 2 dreams i really did dream. They happened about a few days apart last month. Last month i wasn't able to post them because i had been away from blogger. But as you can see...I think it might be fate for Larry and I to be together. I think about him...he thinks about me. But there are things stopping us which brings me to rethink what i thought b4. Maybe fate ha othe ideas for us from what we want. Maybe we have to want it more than we already do. There are so many possibilities in life...and not enough time to live them. Don't dwell on something when you have your whole life ahead of you. There are somethings you have to let go of. No matter how much it hurts you inside. That's the part that really sucks.

THE LAST DAY OF CAMP: I had it all planned out that last day. I was going t slip my number into Larry's bag at the end of the day when he wasn't looking. That way when he opened it he would be able to call me after camp. My plan was foiled when he didnt come that last day. I was so disapointed but i kept it moving. There were other people i had to say good-bye to as well.

See life doesn't always go as planned.You better embrace it. You have no other choice.

Brought to you by BOREDEM land

Hurumphhh!!!

No it's happening again. I'm torn between two boys. One i shouldn't even have feelings for honestly. Larry has a girlfriend. No matter how many times i try to remember i wind up flirting and doing things i shouldn't. Be glad it's just over AIM. I am scared to think about what i would do if it was face to face. Then there's Malik. The boy i have never seen/met b4 in my life. He is a boy i have talked to over the phone numerous times. We e-mail each other and talk for hours. He is a giant sweetheart. Malik is the cousin of Tyler a boy i used to "go out" with. Tyler is actually in my class as well and sits next to me in math. But how the heck can i take this relationship forward if i never met the guy and i've only spoken to him. I'm trying not to lose my mind over here but come one!!! Why do these things happen. It makes sense but then again it doesn't.

I haven't been to Kung Fu since 3 weeks ago. I can easily sneak my way out of it. I hate it. I noe it is supposed to treat me how to defend myself and all but....IT SUCKS!!! It's hard work i'll tell you that. I have never hurt,sweat, worked out so much in my life. It is crazy in that dojo or whatever the heck it's called. My mom is staying at the Hyatt hotel anyway so she won't even know if i don't go 2moro :). Yesss!!!

BRought TO YoU By boRdEm LAnD

Xtra virgin

I was listening to Halo by beyonce just little while ago. The song talks about Beyonce tearing down her protection to let the most holy guy she has ever met into her heart. She finally believes she has found the right one. Sometimes i love to hear stories through music. not only does it inspire me but it shows me that stories come in all forms. I love to write. Life stories are the best because they are more real than you can possibly imgaine.

I love love. I was admiring the Obamas the other day and it made me realize love does exist. Maybe only in a distance but it is still there. You have to try and look for it. In very few cases does love come to you. Once you find love there is only a slight possibilty that you will realize it right away. It could take years before you notice. And if you take too long someone else could take that love away from you. Maybe on purpose or not.....

In other news my title had nothing to do with my post. I did that to throw off track of what i was really going to write. LARRY is the next topic. Like i said for some reason a lot ofmy posts have to do with him. If you don't know who the heck he is....you might wanna retrace your steps a bit. He is all over my old posts. We were on AIM again last night and...and well this time things got deep. We were talking about how crazy i was (not mentally) and i asked him if he hated my crazziness. He said he LOVED it. I awwwwwed him and i knew he was blushing on the other side of the spectrum. Now im not saying he loved me. I;m justsaying he loves my personality. And he already knows how he feels about how i look. Everyone who went to camp with us does. hehehehe.

So i was just watching THE MIST....A nasty and scary movie....Whewww it was my first time..lol that was soo crazy....g2g my bf is on myspace and we soo need to talk after what happened last night!!!

Brought To Yoou Buy Boredem land

Contained+Larry=My post

I am limiting myself. I'm afraid to ask others how they feel about me. I am scared of rejection. I believe it is the thing that terrifies me the most. i admire people who aren't afraid of rejection because I know i am. I know i can't change myself. to be honest i am ok with that. I am loved flaws and all by good people.

LARRY: It seems now ever since i was reconnected with him every post is about him. I figure it is good to let out feelings because some shouldn't be held in. I dedicated a few songs to him.

My Egyptian Lover-by Dj Spacecowboy

Girlfriend-by Avril

Heaven Sent-by Keisha Cole

Crush-by David Archuleta

Us Against the world- by Christina Milian

Lovebug- by Jonas Brothers

and those are just the basics. I honestly can't stop thinking about that boy. Is he reading me?! and by that i mean does he know i have feelings for him..Probably more than his girlfriend does. I wonder, oh do i wonder if he feels the same. But last night i realized something. I was talking to him over AIM. We were flirting and having fun through the computer. We could talk about anything.Anything at all. I was happy I was able to have that connection at all. That's when i realized i was ok with us just being friends. It takes time to actually reach that level of maturity. I'm suprised i even got there to be honest. I think i can settle for us being friends and nothing more. When I told Atiyana she even said i sounded mature. i joke around a lot so she had to be serious. I feel good inside knowing that the boy i have so many feelings for can stay my friend and be nothing more. Now that might sound crazy to you...but not to me. I kind of like the idea because then that way no one gets hurt. However if he does realize that he wants to be with me...Then maybe there is a possibility that could happen. But it is one slim possibility because i believe i have finally made up my mind. And it feels AMAZING!

Brought to you by boredem land!!!

problems like everyone else

hey...hey.. hey...I am going to tell you something. READ THE POSTS ABOUT me being the girl i fear the most..If you have read it already disreguard that. I decided to post a second time today because i love talking to you guys even though some of you don't respond. I think every force (maybe even god) is trying to stop me from being with Larry. Everyone talks about him. They say he's ugly and stuff. Even my sister knows Larryisn't ugly. And he decided to take a girl who i know deep down inside i pleased him more than she does. And i am not afraid to ask him that. I am sick and tired of being afraid. I have strong feelings for him. I am frankly sick and tired of being critisized by people who are jealous of us. I want that girl Stephany out of the picture. i fear that's impossible because...well..because we don't see each other. I've never even met the girl. I hate hate hate the fact that i can't have him. I used to joke that he had a sign on his head that said he was owned by me..silly right? I miss him so much. Just earlier we were messaging each other. Why does he have such an effect on me?!?! it hurt me in my soul because i don't want to hurt Stephany because that's a terrible thing to do....Deep down inside i know whatis right and what ir wrong. But at times like these it is hard to follow the right....if the wrong seems so much better. Sometimes i wonder why wrong sometimes feels so right and why right feels so wrong. It irks me soooooooo much. I wonder if there is anyone who has been through this situation besides me. I know i have already been through this once. I lost him do to doing the "right" thing. I regret it every day. Every single day. Never before has a boy left such a big impact on me like Larry has. I know i left a mark on him too. I just know it. Somewhere somehow someway i know he feels the same. It's like a connection thing where i just know. I do..I do know....I know i had worked hard to obtain the place that i WAS with him when we saw each other everyday. I wonder if he believes we can be together again. That is something no one can know besides HIM. honestly i hate running from the truth. Dang...David Archuleta speaks to me sometimes. He can sing so well and maybe he is the only one who can understand me. I used to think my sister could but she can't...so far i don't know anyone who understands how i feel deep down in my "core soul":-(.....If you need me i will be in eternal slumber dreaming about the boy of my dreams.

Broought to you by boredem land!!!

Crystal Sunset

I was just listening to David Archuleta. My favorite song from him is crush. I am in love with that song. Happy Valentine's Day btw!! Even though I hate this holiday i wanted to wish you all a happy one. I got a whole lot for valentine's day. so did my sister. Her NEW bf Blake got her a few things. I only got a peek because by the time i got home from my little exploration they were both ready at my house ready to leave. I am starting to question Blake...I wonder if he doesn't like me... :(.....I almost said something mean about him.. I feel kind of bad because the only thing he ever said about me that offended me was that i was a little too hyper...w.e. it's not like he's my bf..ok secret time: This is a really juicy scret. I still like Larry even though he goes out with that gurl...uqqhhh....I wish she would just vanish..Then again I don't want to be some last resort or rebound or anything like that. I can't stop thinking about him. He needs to make some moves. But the thing is ...I will don't know when the heck i am going to see him....It makes me wonder how i have survived without him. In camp he was one of the reasons why i came back and went everyday (even when he wasn't there :-*) Sometimes my own methods confuse myself. My nosey older sister has been trying to figure me out for a long time... Never going to happen because no one can understand me. My future therapist probably won't even understand where i am coming from. I like that because that gives me a mysterious sense to myself.. Wait that didn't make a lick of sense (a lick?)...see i question myself all the time. Huh....i am so queer :) i luv luv luv luv luv luv luv luv luv it...


TOOODLEZZ

doo da day da doop shooe bop de doo

Ok feelings are always let out in this blog....I got my heartbroken...My friend disrespected me andn tried to blame me for it...I wrote an amzaing story....I don't care what others think anymore....I HATE valentine's day. Even though i have a valentine the holiday just sucks anyway. I don't really know why. So I finally got a myspace. I never knew how addictive it was. Im young anyway so i know to look out for petafiler's and stuff. I am turning thirteen so soon. i am excited...Right now i am awaiting my sister. I'm scared to see her because she can figure me out in seconds. i'm trying to hide the fact that i have a valentine from her. Then she will want to know my wereabouts and everything...Why doesn't she gorun off with her new bf. Yah he is a keeper. he is really sweet but he is annoying as well. His name is Blake. He and i have become friends. i met him for the first time when he cam over to my mother's house. It's kinda funny because my sister is taller than him so when she is around him she has to were flats and he always wears his ACGs..They played scrable together because he doesn't have the DELUXE EDITION at his house like we do. I had fun making fun of them...Boy did i take pleasure in that. After that he added me on myspace and facebook and we have been having little convos about my sister and other things. Mostly about my sister though. That's all he ever does. Talk talk talk about my sister... Is he obssesed. Everything has to do with her... sometimes it is quite sickening.. She isn't even as obssesed with him as he is her....Wait did that even make sense?? Well happy friday the 13th...oooh spooky

Brought to you by boredom land :)