So Blue

I'm not depressed.....My title is a little delusion. I want people to see the real me. The question is then "Am I real?" I am such an odd child. i know i am real. It is just how i compare myself to others. Not comparing in a bad way though. i know i am unlike any other girl you will ever meet.



Me:

Slightly shy

dreams of becoming a visual artist with a strong career

have a loving family

i can be mean when i want to

if i don't know you or haven't had time to get to know you, i won't be rude

if you are my friend (real friend) i will be able to tell

obsessed with my own hair because it's so thick

like lady gaga because she expresses things that i can understand and that i agree with

also like her because of her stand out-crazy personality

like the smell of degree women deodarant

WELL THAT'S ENOUGH OF MY CRAZY RAMBLINGS :)

She so dangerous

"Don't play with fire."

"Don't go messing with you girl's hearts."

"Don't add fuel to the fire."

These are things you should be told before hand. I'm dangerous. I'm a crazy weapon you should only have to fire once to...you know...take care of the job. I'm like that weapon from Iron Man. Deadly. Whcich makes people just want me more. I have a temper that shouldn't be tampered with. So tomorrow I'm going to do it. When I go to midnight mass looking amazing and fresh and outstanding and did i mention amazing, I will talk to him. Not flirt. Maybe just a little, but I want, really want to show him I am a force to be reckoned with because after all this time I can still be nice and have a cool slick flow. I am going to rock my personal image so hard I won't know who I am. My wrath will show. No more nice girl. No more shy girl. I'm taking charge. forget whoever doubts me because I'm me and that's said and done. I don't want him to think little of me. Even though I'm shorter than him. I want him to think i am unstoppable. geez i am typing so fast i probably made a gazzilion typos but i am pissed in my own odd way. I want him to want me back so i can show him that DENISE LEE am not who i used to be. Im much wiser and more aware of the things that are being said behind my back. I am new and improved I have to show this somehow. I can't be scared anymore. I have to be the one who steps up and doesn't back down. I have to be her. I have to have to have to. Not as a bad image but I don't want to be the girl i fear the most. I am sick and tired of her. she is gone. kaput. out the window. the real non-dwelling denise is here and ready to take some action. Look out here i come. Dangerous and ready to aim.

I'm the girl i fear the most part 2

Ok now the story takes an unexpected turn. Please remember that I'm am now going to be talking about the early parts of this year. This isn't a present story. There's lots more to this.


So....I couldn't explain it. There was no explaination to the way I felt. i knew I still liked him but there was something inside me telling me I should let him go. Let all that time go. The conversations, the laughs, the txts, all that wasn't feeling quite right anymore. Just not right. When I tried to explain it to him I couldn't because I kept on crying. I didn't want to hurt him. That was the last thing I wanted to do. So I knew I couldn't leave it there but, I did. I did it because I was panicked and afraid I was going to hurt him. Now I feel like I just hurt him more. I wondered how he felt inside. I knew It had to suck on both ends. Sometimes you just know in your head.


The rest of the school year has an odd flow. After a few months I think I am over Devin and that I can be free at last. Tyler then became the next hit. For a few days then I just ended it because...because..i don't exactly remember the reason... After that I didn't really find anyone else that suited me well. That was until school ended and summer began!!!!!!!



Central Park Camp.....So many experiences I have had there. I don't know what I am going to do this SUMMER....Larry was a hit that hit so hard I didn't even see it coming. Larry is a boy who I have known because of camp. We went to the same camp. He had been there longer than me. I had recently realized in sixth grade that he was in the school that shared the same building as mine. When we arrived at came flirts hit us like bombs. We were...slowly starting to give into each other. We talked up a storm. I can be talkative when I want to be. With him there was an even level of talking and listening. That was one thing I liked. We were kind of the same in some ways. We were always competing against each other. I am extremely competitive. That's because I have a brother around the same age as me. We would do little fun competitive things, and normally I would win, unless it had to do with baseball. Boy, did he love baseball. In camp we went to a game once and boy was he anxious. Oh and please....Don't even get me started with his amazing body. He had the body of a...god. Especially for someone his age. He had a six pack. A six pack. I remember wearing my bikin to camp just so he could see me when we went swiming. But it was all for him. The problem was, people (counselors especially) were finding out about are...I don't know what to call it. We weren't dating really. We both knew we liked each other without having to say it outloud. They bugged us about it yet we denied it. One of my fave counselors Jacqoun asked me how I felt about Larry. I responeded kinda sketchy so he could understand how I felt. It was obvious I liked Larry. Cupid had hit me in the butt, head, and my right foot.




Problems then began to arise in my head. As the camp's end came closer and closer I found myself in need of his presence. Like it was such and odd yet warm need. Something I just couldn't help at all. One day...Please keep in mind that this is embarassing and that it was really hard for me to say this but, I stayed outside with him and this other boy with no one watching so I could have that beautiful sight all to myself. (grrrreeeeddddyyyy me) He was (trying to) play tennis. Just watching him gave me that special warm feeling. And he'd give me that million dollar smile. His pearly whites shone at me when he smiled. Soemtimes I wanted to faint. He was like artwork at a museum you couldn't resist touching. Then I got caught admiring him. By now all the counselors had figured out that I liked Larry. I could hear them behind us in the back of the court giggling at me watching him. That had to be the most embarassing thing, but,but ,but, I ignored it and tried to keep my focus. (which wasn't so hard)



So summer ends, and we don't exchange numbers, we don't know where we stand, he is going to a new school which isn't close to mine, and now we are lost from each other. I wish.....I wish....That I had the chance to change the fact that we had no communication what-so-ever. But now it's wayyyyy to late. We are now in December.



So right before school I attended mass. Guess who is there hunky dory and looking amazing!!!!......Devin. He got his ear pierced(which that I am not so found of) and he fixed him self up. It seemed he finally decided to stop letting his mother dress him. We haven't spoken since we broke up. The smallest smallest words here and there but nothing else. A few of my friends like him but, I just can't tell them the way I really feel about this. Now I know I have to be the dweller. I have to because I am holding on to two things I have already lost. I lost the batlle and the war in one blow. Sad isn't it. Now I have to evalute my own head!!!

I'm the girl i fear the most

ok big problem. Like hurricane big. Have you ever believed you could love someone at my age?
I'm the dweller as i said in my last post. i'm the girl who dwells on the past without noticing it. I have denied it over and over agian but this time....I have realized the truth. The real truth. The horrid truth.


Huh where do i begin...When i was in the sixth grade i was at the bottom of the food chain. I had one cute boy who really liked me, but he had a girl. So i looked somewhere else. I had to look somewhere else. I had a friend named Dario who came to camp with me and then i find out we go to the same school. so i start hanging out with him. I didn't like him but his friend...He was a different story. He was tall, decent, and really nice. Almost shivalrous if you will. I started to crush on him hard. Then so did my friend Atiyana. Now throughout my days at this school i have noticed that Atiyana is a very trustworthy person when she wants to be.



So one day i decided to let Atiyana have Devin because....I don't really know. honestly I let him go for a period of time. I hooked her up with Devin. The guy I liked (emphasis on the I). They both liked each other for 2 days then Devin broke up with her on the second day after school. Deep down inside I wasn't sorry. She knew I liked him. It was like she didn't care about my feelings when it came to Devin. Somehow he got my phone number and called me that same night. I was still a little mad at him for breaking up with her though. We talked about it for 2 hours straight. I was trying to figure out what was going on inside his head. I wanted to know why he had broken up with Atiyana. The next day he called me afterschool again. He told me why he broke up with Atiyana. He said it was because he liked me. Now the part that I kinda left out is the fact that Devin and I attend the same church. He would flirt often when he called me, yet he didn't say anything to me in school. We both knew why yet we never said it out loud. I stopped giving in to his games. i didn't want to hurt Atiyana like that. I remember sometimes he would text me saying that he was going to kiss me in church. I'm sorry I don't want to get religious and all but I would feel so unholy if i kisses in God's house. I wouldn't feel right, honestly.


Then at school we had a social. It was basically a dance where all the sixth graders danced on each other and ate food. Devin asked me numerous times to dance with him, but me...I smiled and walked away to my friends. I am a shy dancer when I am around people who want to destroy my "rep". So when they played what they now called my song (by t-pain and flo rida-Low) I really did get low, if you know what I mean. Everyone was suprised to see me dance like a music video girl. But frankly it was a one time thing and i just wanted to show off in front of Devin. He was so stunned that when I left I had to make a little scene. So i hugged him and strutted away. I had to leave a mark. lmao.



Then Christmas came. Last year i danced at my church's Christmas Eve midnight mass. Boy do i love to dance. I had fun chillin with the girls who danced with me. While I was preparing myself for the dance. My mother alerts me that Devin has arrived. She only knew Devin because somehow she called my mother angry that I had been flirting with him. Which was so not the truth because it was only a one way street, and that street was him. All him. But she decided to warm up to me seeing that Devin REALLY did like me. I got so nervous. I knew the only reason he came was for me. I had to look my best. I put on make-up for him. Just so he could see me. I never wear make-up for anybody except family. Which he apparently wanted to become a member of mine. Ha like that was going to happen. And so i danced, then i listened to the rest of the mass. At the end i scurried into the dressing room to get changed before he left. I quickly got dressed and walked outside. Everyone was leaving but, he was waiting for me with his cousins. As I approached them one of them called me an ugly disease. My jaw dropped, and self-consious me walked away immediately. He tried to come after me but i walked to my car and drove away without saying a word. Ofcourse i went slowly so he could watch gorgeous me walk away on Christmas. The joyful time of year.



The next morning I wake up happy and excited to spend time with my family. Unfortunatley Devin harrased me with sorry words and with Christmas wishes. I texted him back saying happy holidays but nothing more. I noticed i really still did like Devin. A whole lot.


On New Years super early morning i get a call from Devin and his cousins. His cousins apologize to me and so does he. Automatically i forgave him. He got his cousins to apologize to me. And they really meant it. That's when I knew that I really, positivly, absolutely liked Devin. No ifs, ands, or buts. So then we started going out.We talked waaayyyy to much on the phone and txted like there was no tomorrow.



Then February came. Which meant......drum roll please......Valentine's Day. I was so nervous. I had no idea what to get him, so i got the one thing everyone likes. A stuffed animal. It was a dog that held a heart that said be mine. I thought it was frikin adorable. When Valentine's Day was here I thought that dog was crap, becuase he got me a teddy bear, chocolates, a ring with a fake emrald, and a peom he made all on his own. I was stunned beyond belief. Never before had a guy given me so many things besides my father, but even he wouldn't give me all that at once. Devin was shy when he gave me this which made it all the more cute. All my friends were jealous because none of them got anything. Not a single thing. I felt sorry for them yet at the same time i couldn't help but flaunt my new items. Oh and I ate every single piece of chocolate in art class, within ten minutes. It was a great day. I felt bad that the dog was all i got him though. I didn't know we were that "serious".


After that everyone knew we were "going out". some people disapproved but i didn't give a flying purple people eater. Honestly I only cared about how we felt about each other. Until one day I lost that feeling all together. It just dropped. Well it didn't necesaarily happen that way. I was noticing he was afraid to talk about our "relationship" if that is what you should call it. I then started to loose intrest....To be continued :)

TOODLES

December 15th's characters

The girl who holds back because of others. She lets people who don't care about her decide her future. And when it's time for her to make a decision on her own she won't know what to do.

She mysterious in her own joyus way. She is so fun loving yet you can never see what is really inside. Is it the happiness you see on the outside, or is it a foul darkness?

The dreamer. She lets her dreams get the best of her without noticing. She is afraid of truth and reality.

The oh so not innocent girl. That sly smile is all you get. She can backstab you or throw you under the bus. Which ever you prefer.

The loner. She likes being independent. The only company she enjoys is the company of her soul. She has no friends no family, but she still survives.

She struggles in school. She socializes more than she spends time with her family. School is just a bother to her not a help. She rather live with a boy than her family at the age of 16.

The girl genius. She's pushed so hard by her parents that her childhood is being taken away. If she continues with her super smart life she might just end up unhappy and lonely.

The dweller. She dwells on the past too often. She looses things and doesn't ever want to let go. She holds to many things inside her head. Wether is be past, present, or future.

The old man who is young at heart. He remembers his life as a child. He thinks about how he wishes he could go back but knows it is his time to grow old.

The girl who's somewhere she's not supposed to be. She knows she cheated her way into things she shouldn't have. She side-steps obstacles that she should jump over. She is always taking the easy way in life.

Complicated

Don't you sometimes wish you were in someone else's shoes. Someone who walks the walk and talks the talk. I can raise my hand to that. We have a point like that in our life. Where we wish our dreams would become reality. Like some people want to be famous just so they can be known. They would knock other people down to get where they want to be. That's not good!!! Not at all!!! If you're going to do something do it the right way and for the right reasons. Don't act like your somebody you're not. Because when someone finds out about the lies and discover the truth, they won't look at you the same. There will be something different in the way the person sees you. Their POV on you will have a whole new look at things. This hasn't happened to me yet. And hope and pray it never happens. I don't want to have to be someone I am not. I want to be myself at all times. Even if that means my dreams can't come true. I know that I have people who care about me enough wether I am ugly (no one is actually ugly) , fat, famous, mental, or high maitinence.

21 questions...more like seven

I am bigger than you. No I'm not i am just crazier. Crazier than you can ever imagine. I was just thinking about life. Life is great/terrible. I think death is the worst part of life. Well because death is when life ends. Wether is be yours, or someone else's life that is lost.

Enough of the deep crap. I have to tell you my wonders.

1. Why do I do all my work at the last minute? Like right now I am doing my ela homework while blogging to you guys. Not a bright idea. Still i do it.


2. Why are there required state tests? all they do is cause more stress for kids and teens.


3. Why is life so complicated? I mean I wish i had a key to unlock the "mysteries" of life.


4. Why is my tub acting stupid? It is doing crazy things.


5.Why won't my brother leave me the heck alone?


6. What did I ever do to him??


7. Why am I asking obvious and hard to answer questions?

wierder than fiction

Ok so I have a gay friend. Ok well she's bisexual. Too wierd. Wayyy to wierd. And she goes out with this girl named Kisai or something like that. It's kinda wierd for me because when she talks about girls i immediatley want to leave the convo!!

December 9th's characters

The free spirit. She has been through thick and thin and still pulls through. She doesn't care what other peopl say. She does everything her way. But she knows she can always use some help.

The graceful and happy girl. Nerver once has she hit a serious hard time in her life. She trembles at the thought of having a bad day. Although she knows it is coming and has to come.

The beauty who is afraid of the beast. always focuses on the postitive. slightly selfish but tries to maek it seem like she really cares. She is so high matinence that she could burn through your heart in an instant.

The boy with a future but no set in stone goals. He searches and searches until he knows he has found something right. nothing can stop him on his path to success.

The daydreamer. The ditsy girl from outspace. Drinks too much and thinks too little. Yet somehow through all her flaws manages to keep up with the latest fashion.

The crazy girl you never bring in public. You're afraid of what people might think if you hang out with her. You scared of the possible outcome of you hanging out. More like crazying out and scaring a whole bunch of innocent people.

Quiet until you get her alone. She seems so suttle and peacful. But underneath that secretive layer is a party girl waiting to explode. She's smart but craves more than just brains.

The ultimate girlfriend. She would never cheat. She would never lie or do anything to hurt you. She has limits, limits that you can't pass without permission. Access is either denied or granted.

Here are DECEMBER 9th's CHARACTERS

Visitors welcome

there are tons of sites that might be useful to you here they are:
www.zwinkycuties.com
www.zwinky.com
www.blogger.com (well ummm duhhh)
www.thedollpalace.com
www.vimeo.com
www.aim.com
www.facebook.com
www.wetseal.com
www.forever21.com
www.yahoo.com
www.gmail.com
www.bebo.com
www.myspace.com
www.youtube.com
www.teensreadtoo.com
www.clubpenguin.com
www.pyzam.com
www.google.com
www.playlist.com
www.mixpod.com
www.myflashfetish.com
www.photobucket.com
www.flashportal.com
www.fotoflexer.com
www.flickr.com
and many other :)

More forever 21

I am so outfit 19, 30, 25, 17.

Pic your top four when u leave a comment in boredem world :)

Click Clack

Click clack moo. Clickty clack moo, cows that type. I'm not referring to myself ofcourse. It is a book I read when I was little. I remember it as i listen to my keyboard. Mannn my keyboard is ooogly.I am curently listening to a kinda old song by USHER. Ok i tried not to say it but i am soooooooo bored right now. I was just responding to my comments an I lost my blog flow. It's gone for tonight but it will be back tomorow ofcourse. Hopefully!!

By blogger flow is my state of mind. My blog karma. Not that I am hindu :). I am actually CATHOLIC. ohh gosh i must sound boring to. Alright think nisey think.....
Ok I was talking about...Nooo my dream. My little fantasy I think about at night.

Here is a story line: There is a goddess of water who comes to earth in search of an evil fire goddess who refuses to come back to the world of gods and goddesses. The water goddess must destroy her before she reeks havoc on the entire earth.

Sometimes i wish I could control water like the girl in my fantasy. So instead of being a fairy today I am a water goddes. I can control the seas with my pinky finger. I would never go thirsty in my life. I would be able to take out fire within seconds. Yah! I wish I was a water goddess. I love water.

Wow see how i have progressed. I have placed a good ten topics in one post. I kick butt x 10!! Have a good time in bordem world my blogger friends :).

The worshiped

Every single star is worshiped by at the very least 5 people. Singers, dancers, actors, and all the others. honestly in bordem world you can be anything. I am currently a fairy. With big blue wings aligned with soft radiant crystals. My hair in a high ponytail that stands directly above my head. Me, I'm the hottest looking fairy there is. You know it!

I used to say that I could tell what people's inner animal. I told my friend Atiyana she is a big fat poodle. My friends Kymani is more a mythical creature. But we still call her a gorilla. Now we're not trying to b offensive to anyone. You look like what you look like. No one can change that. Not even a whole lot of surgery or make-up can change that.

"You can buy all the things that mac can make. But if you can't look inside you find out who am I to , be in a postition to make a man say 'damn i am pretty'." -TLC

all these pics i took. my favorite one is the one of the flamingoes. i took it when i was in FL :)